Ineffective Communication

Ineffective Communication

Is communication with others causing you undue stress and/or anxiety?

Do you ever think,

  • “Why is communication so difficult?” or,
  • “I just can’t get through to them!” or,
  • “Why doesn’t (fill in the blank) ever listen to           what I have to say?”
If you answered “Yes” to any of the above circumstances, first understand that you are not alone. 
Communication can be a very difficult task.  Often it is thought to be “simple” or “easy,” but in reality, effective communication demands a good deal of focus and awareness. 
Second, please understand that communication, like most things, can be simple and easy when we know the way.
 
Think of it as taking a car ride to a familiar destination vs. taking a road trip to a place you’ve never been before.  The familiar destination is easy, perhaps it’s even fun and enjoyable–exciting.  Taking a trip to an unknown place can be stressful, anxiety provoking, perhaps it’s even scary–undesirable. 
We at Stone Labyrinth Counseling & Wellness, PLLC can support you in better understanding how to more effectively communicate with anyone–loved ones, colleagues, friends, even your server on date night.
Delivery: the message being shared from person A to person(s) B

Example: “I find myself starting to experience feelings associated with abandonment every time you walk away from me when I’m trying to talk with you.”

“I would love to spend more one-on-one time with you. When we purposefully plan time together, I feel more connected with you, and that feels amazing!”

Reception: “reception” is all about Person B actively listening with the intention  of understanding the message being shared with Person A.

 

To strengthen “reception”, it is important for Person B to be singularly focused on what Person A is intending to help Person B understand.

 

Helpful strategies:

    • Set your intention to listening rather than answering – fixing, correcting, critiquing.
    • Give direct eye contact.
    • Put your phone in the other room.
    • Turn off the music and/or TV.
    • Create a safe, supportive environment.
    • Take notes on what Person A is saying.
Confirmation: When Person B shares their interpretation of Person A’s message.

Example:

“Are you saying that when I walk away from you during an argument, you feel like I’m abandoning you in a time of need?”

 

“It sounds to me like my work could be getting in the way of our spending more time together, and when that happens, you feel sad.” 

 

*It’s important to note that “confirmation” is often not spot on the first time. This is okay. This is natural. This is, in fact, communication. What you can see is that “confirmation” is just another form of “delivery”, setting the stage for Person A to exercise “reception” and “confirmation”. Communication is cyclical in this way.

It can take some time to effectively establish the intended goal of mutual understanding.

What does it mean to communicate?

Effective communication demands three key ingredients: Delivery, Reception, and Confirmation. 

When we are mindful of these three ingredients, communication becomes much easier, less threatening, and way more effective. 

FAQs: Self

  • We at Stone Labyrinth Counseling & Wellness, PLLC would encourage you to consider the following three strategies, which have been explained in the answers to questions above:
    • Start with awareness: self-awareness and awareness of others.
    • Use “I” language.
    • Aim your intentions at fostering mutual understanding instead of proving a point.
  • Remember, nobody has the ability to understand anything about us that we are unwilling to share and explain with “I” language.  You can learn more about this in the answers to the previous questions.

First, it’s helpful to understand that effective communication is rooted in a desire to foster mutual understanding.  Second, it helps to understand that communication is often centered on awareness–of self and those with whom we are communicating. 

  • Self-awareness: Being aware of self means listening to our own thoughts, feeling our own emotions, and governing our own behavior.  Without being aware of these three forces within ourselves, it is next to impossible to communicate effectively.  That said, when we are mindful of ourselves, we can set our intentions on purpose.  Remember, the intention of effective communication is to foster mutual understanding.
  • Awareness of others: Being aware of others means observing with the intention to understand.  When trying to communicate, others will share words, invoke tone, and display non-verbals (aka: body language).  Being aware of these factors in our counterparts allows us to focus our attention on listening to understand.
  • Sharing our real thoughts/emotions with others can be very challenging–scary, even terrifying.  To truly share is to first be open, honest, and vulnerable.  Being open, honest, and vulnerable can leave us susceptible to being hurt.  Naturally, the brain, specifically the amygdala, is designed to protect us against threat for the purpose of prolonging life.  When sharing our real thoughts/emotions (again, putting us in a vulnerable state), our brains can naturally be triggered to release cortisol, awakening our fight or flight mechanism, which is designed to protect us against threat.  While in fight or flight, we experience the following: heightened awareness of our surroundings, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, shortened breathing, and increased muscle tension–all intended to keep us alive in the face of threat.  
  • Being thrust into fight or flight can be incredibly uncomfortable–exhausting!  As a result, it is often incredibly difficult to effectively communicate while in this state of being.  We at Stone Labyrinth Counseling & Wellness, PLLC can help you manage your thoughts/emotions, so you are less likely to be triggered into fight or flight.  That alone, will help you be more comfortable and confident sharing your real thoughts/emotions with those you care about most.

FAQs: Relationships

  • When communicating with the intention to foster mutual understanding, it is extremely helpful to focus on using “I” language (aka: first-person).  For example: “I would like to share how I am feeling right now, so I can help you better understand me in this moment.”  

 

    • When we use “I” language, we automatically share information about ourselves–our thoughts and emotions.  Without a willingness to share these things, those with whom we are trying to communicate have no way of actually understanding us.  Regardless how well they know us, they have no way of truly understanding what we don’t share.  Lastly, when we share information that they don’t know, they actually tend to tune in more and actually listen.
  • Please see above.
    • First, start by being aware of yourself–your own thoughts, your own emotions, your own behavior.
    • Second, focus on communicating with the intention of fostering a mutual understanding.  As parents, we often fall into the trap of trying to prove a point.  Nobody enjoys being proven wrong, so let’s work to avoid that as our intention.
    • The difference between communicating and arguing can most often be boiled down to intention.  If the intention of the “discussion” is to prove a point, you have effectively set the stage for an argument to ensue.  In contrast, if the intention for the “discussion” is to foster mutual understanding, you have effectively set the stage for communication.  Again, effective communication is most easily done using “I” language.  You can read more on “I” language above.
    •   Things to be mindful of when you want to avoid an argument:
  • Score keeping:
        • “I do more around here than you.”  
        • “I do everything around here.”
        • “What do you actually do around here?”
        • “I did the laundry, mowed the lawn, and went grocery shopping, while you took the kids to the park.”
  • Asking “Why?” questions:
        • “Why are you just sitting around?”
        • “Why do you do that?”
        • “Why are you looking at me like that?”
        • “Why can’t you just (fill in the blank)?”
        • “Why are you always (fill in the blank)?”
          • “Why?” questions typically feel more like accusations and/or attacks than genuine curiosity.  Consequently, being on the receiving end of such questions typically puts us on the defensive, sparking an argument.
  • Overly emotional tone of voice:
        • It is natural for us to get upset by things.  As humans, we are naturally full of emotions.  We always have a right to our thoughts and emotions, but it’s important to keep our emotions in check when communicating with others.  Ideally, we will be able to communicate what emotion(s) we are experiencing without letting that emotion color our delivery.
  • Anger is most often a secondary emotion.  Let’s understand that Anger is most often employed as a defense mechanism, protecting us from some inner emotional discomfort.  For example, when I look beneath my anger, I will likely discover that before I got angry, I experienced one or more of the following emotions: sadness, inadequacy, embarrassment, resentment, and/or shame (just to name a few).  These emotions are dark and heavy, so we naturally  tend to want to avoid them.  Most of us have learned that anger is a great costume for such painful emotions.  
          • If we want to effectively communicate, we have to be willing to go beneath the anger and share the primary emotions that have boiled up beneath the surface.  Remember, nobody has the ability to understand anything about us that we are unwilling to share and explain with “I” language.
    • Please read the answers to the previous questions.
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